A couple of Saturdays ago, I endured torture known as The Mall. I was shopping for new underwear. I found this to be very traumatic. I am so glad I do not have to do that again for years!! I’m sure everyone is wondering if I am pleased with my purchase. Well, I am pleased because it means that I do not have to subject myself to more cruel and unusual punishment, however, I am not as happy with the actual fit; they tend to ride up on me… TMI?
I started thinking about grown up clothes in general. I remember being a little girl watching my mother get dressed to go to a party, or to church, or to a meeting (my mom was able to stay home with my sisters and me, so she did not get dressed UP for work). I remember trying on her high heels, clomping loudly down the hallways of our house, and what I remember the most is how glamorous it all seemed. It was almost magical to watch how clothes could transform her (not that you were not always beautiful Mom, especially in the Perm-Matching-Track-Suit era).
I am now a “grownup”- I have life insurance and a mortgage to prove it! Today, I am able to wear all of the glamorous, grown up fashions that I want to and it turns out that I don’t really want to!
Fancy outfits require fancy accessories. I think that strapless bras were created by a group of all male trolls. There is nothing more uncomfortable than that feeling of your bra slipping down your back! Has anyone found a way to discretely yank that thing up?! Or, even better: a way to get it to stay put! Sometimes, you get lucky and can wear a regular bra. In reality, you are only lucky if the straps stay put. The constant yanking up of shoulder straps can really take away from the sophistication of the outfit.
Feet are perhaps the most unlucky of all when it comes to fancy occasions. High heels were created as evil torture devices by malicious men. I could go on and on, but I think you understand. Some ladies claim that their feet do not hurt in high heels, and in fact they would rather wear them than any other type of shoe. I believe these ladies somehow transfer their pain to ME as my feet hurt even when I am wearing Birkenstocks! That or else they are LYING!
I also do not like too tight socks. Socks that leave a tell-tale ring around pale ankles. I do not care how cool you are, if you have sock impressions on your legs you are not cool. Not even a little bit. I have actually gotten leg cramps from trouser socks that are too tight. (If that is not the most pitiful sentence I have ever written, Lord help us all. My socks kicked my ass.)
HOWEVER. Even with all the pinching, sliding, and general failing of my undergarments, I still feel like a million bucks when I am all dressed up! All of the pain and aggravation is totally worth it. Also, fancy clothes call for fancy drinks! There is no shoe too tall, no sock too tight, and no bra too slippery that champagne cannot fix.