The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

I was in the dressing room at the bridal store, and my loosely fitting (when I ordered it) dress was now too tight.  I might have lost my mind.

After a few hours (possibly days), when my breathing returned to normal, I went into total disaster mode.  In my world, total disaster mode is all encompassing and ends up affecting everyone else just as much as me. As much as I try to keep things contained in my own world, it just doesn’t happen. Adjectives like subtly, quiet, and discretion are not things I am known for, and so my personal crisis becomes everyone’s personal crisis.

crisis The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

I take everyone with me…

The bottom line was that I had ordered a beautiful, perfect dress and I had to wear it in eight weeks, when I-got-married-when-everyone-would-be-staring-at-me-and-I-would-have-the-pictures-forever-so I-Had-To-Look-Perfect.  I knew I had very limited time. The terrible trainers listened to my sob story, denied any accountability (shocker), and determined that drastic times called for drastic measures. They put me on a very strict diet.  Prisoners in second world countries ate better than I did. 

prisoner The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

 Here is what was on the menu:

Egg whites

Chicken

Olive Oil

Barley

Broccoli

That’s it.  I was allowed seasonings if they were salt free. I was not even allowed Diet Coke.  You know how everyone who has quit Diet Coke says they don’t miss it? They are lying. Three weeks of no Diet Coke made me even more of a believer. That shit is God’s nectar. 

This diet was a nightmare. A Tim Burton full length unedited nightmare. 

tim burton The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

My LIfe On The Diet

For starters, I have a rather delicate stomach, and three cups of broccoli a day did not do me any favors.  Nor anyone else within fifteen feet of me.  While on the topic of smells, do you know how badly re-warmed broccoli smells? Close your eyes and picture the cafeteria of your elementary school on broccoli casserole day (and try not to lose your lunch). Wait for it… yup, that’s the one. That raunchy smell that makes your palms sweat and your stomach flip a little bit.  I made the office smell like that twice a day. Everyone who I worked with hated me.

black sheep The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

Wedding Dress Shopping, Or When I Lost My Mind

Every bride gets a little nutso before their big day. I was no exception. The driving force behind all the nuttiness is the dress.  All women do drastic things in the name of Looking Perfect In Their Dress, no matter how forcefully they proclaim that they were different because they were Sane and Rational on their wedding day.  They are lying.  

bride straight jacket Wedding Dress Shopping, Or When I Lost My Mind

Wedding dress shopping is the opposite of bikini shopping in that it is fun and makes you feel beautiful. Also, wedding dress shops understand the importance of good lighting.  As Cher taught us all in Clueless, mood lighting can make or break you.

cher Wedding Dress Shopping, Or When I Lost My Mind

You have taught me so many lessons, Cher.

When I ordered my dress, I was in between sizes.  In a rare flash of maturity, I opted for the bigger size, thinking it would be much easier to take a dress in rather than let one out.  Fast forward a few months, and I get the phone call- the dress has arrived! I rushed to the store; ripping my clothes off before I even got to the dressing room. I knew everything would be perfect; I had been watching my diet and I had been training with a fancy pants personal trainer. 

I stepped into my dress, had someone zip it up (no one can get into their wedding dress alone. It is simply not possible. On a related note, it was also not possible for me to use the bathroom alone, as is the case for most brides.) And then… the world stopped.  My. Dress. Was. TIGHT.  Too tight in fact. When I ordered it, a few months before, it was loose. The opposite of tight. I was eight weeks till W DAY, and I didn’t have a dress. As this truth sunk in, I began hyperventilating. I don’t remember much after that, but I am positive that crying, pleading, mashing of the teeth, and wild promises to God were all involved. 

too small wedding dress Wedding Dress Shopping, Or When I Lost My Mind

This might or might not be me…

The worst, and possibly most insulting part of it all, was that I was paying a lot of money (something that I did not have a lot of at the time. Still don’t, come to think about it.) to a fancy pants personal trainer to lose weight and tone up before the wedding.  AND TO LOOK PERFECT IN MY DRESS.  Yes, you did read that correctly.  I was being supervised by a ritzy personal trainer and the results they promised were most definitely not the results I was seeing.  I am still bitter six years later. In fact, I still actively plan revenge on these people that involves multiple billboard messages about their terrible services. What can I say, I  do have a flair for the dramatic..