Sometimes Revenge Looks Like Flats

There are many things that one learns about pregnancy after the fact. I am sure I am not the only one who swore up and down during my last trimester  that if “I knew what I know now back then, things would be VERY VERY DIFFERENT AT THIS MOMENT.” As loyal readers know, the single best thing about pregnancy (other than the baby, duh) is that it is the greatest equalizer ever. Even Kim Kardashian gets the puffy ankles

I knew about swollen ankles. At least, I thought I did. I remember watching my ankles swell after finishing a (super grab) bag of Rold Gold pretzels. If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn I was watching something over time lapse photography. The swelling was quick, and it was epic. It was also extremely sad as I could eat three meals a day consisting solely of  pretzels. (Salt is totally a food group.)

Thankfully, I got the memo…  She didn’t.

She claimed flats were uncomfortable. She tried to beat the system.

She lost. In related news, the gossip rags keep pitting Kim against Princess Kate, which makes me so sad because as much I love all things K, Kim doesn’t stand a chance…

 

 

Pregnancy, The Great Equalizier

I don’t want to say that all celebrities think they are above the rest of us, but … they totally do. From demands of several brand of bottled water in their dressing room (Mariah Carey likes to have a tea service for eight people available in her dressing room — and insists that only Poland Springs water be used for the tea. But for drinking water, she likes another brand: “Please note that 16-oz. plastic bottles of Evian are the only acceptable bottles of water for the dressing rooms,” reads the backstage rider to one of her tour contracts.) to avoiding pesky inconveniences like jail (Lindsay Lohan), celebrities wave their magic wands (sometimes these magic wands resemble blank checks) and their troubles seem to disappear.

Most of  the time, this particular brand of smug comes with the territory; and we accept it for it is- slightly annoying, yet not surprising. However, there is at least one thing that inescapable… When celebrities find themselves knocked up, all bets are off!

Pregnancy is the greatest equalizer of all time. It gets every girl, every time. How many times do we see a newly pregnant celeb prancing around in designer shoes and tight dresses? I sit back and smile, as I know the ‘best’ is yet to come. I get a secret thrill every time I see a preggo celebrity suffering from cankles, a bigger butt, and dark circles from lack of sleep.  Things seem more right with the world when I view pictures of giant pregnant women waddling through Target in bedroom slippers and dirty yoga pants pushing carts full of diapers.

Some celebrities have found the exception to this rule and employ surrogate mothers to carry their children; thus escaping from all the ‘perks’ of pregnancy. (Please don’t misunderstand- many women have volunteered themselves, giving the ultimate gift to those women who physically cannot carry a child. Thank God for them; what an incredible sacrifice.)

I have recently become a Kardashian Fan. Yes, fan. And before you get all Judgy McJudgerson, let me remind you that while almost no one admits to being a fan of the show, almost everyone actually watches the show.

The 7th season finale of Keeping Up with the Kardashians on Sunday, September 16th, 2012,  from 9pm-10pm delivered the show’s highest-rated and most watched episode of the season with a 2.61 Household rating and 3.6 million Total Viewers, ranking it as one of the Top 25 most-watched telecasts on E! ever. (TV by the Numbers).”

In between Netflix, the constant marathons on E!, and the magazines in the checkout line at the grocery store,  I am well versed in everything Kardashian. Let me tell you though, that keeping up with them during multiple seasons was more difficult mentally than it should have been! (Unless you have tried it, I do not want to hear your judgements.)

The Kardashians, for all their fame, are proving unable to escape pregnancy and her vicious claws…

 

Cold Cold Cold HOT

All day long, I am cold. The kind of cold that settles into your bones and requires a hot shower to warm up.  However, with that said, when I climb into bed at night, I am cold. My icy feet have caused my husband to yelp as I plant them on his leg. My husband is a literal HEATER, and he normally gets into bed first and warms it up. I fall asleep, curled into a ball to conserve body heat.

And then, some sort of weird chemical reaction occurs and I become the hottest person alive. I am no longer appreciative of his heater-like qualities. Our bed now feels like a sauna, and there is no way out! Every single part of me is hot and sweaty, even my eyelids.

6458 PinkJeweledEyelids 01 Cold Cold Cold HOT

Granted, these eyelids are not sweaty but I am fascinated by the bling.
source

If I had my way, all of the windows in our room would be wide open and the ceiling fan would be on supersonic speed. I would turn the heat off and turn the air conditioning on. I would position a fan directly at the foot of our bed.

Curiously, I did not have this problem until I had my daughter- pregnancy: the gift that keeps on giving.

j t preemma Cold Cold Cold HOT

The Eternal Gift- Pregnancy.

It is very O.Henry: Before Emma, I was able to keep my body temperature normal. After Emma I cannot. The one thing that would alleviate my misery is the one thing I cannot do- because of Emma.

That one thing is to turn the heat off completely.

My husband laid down the law after we brought Emma home and said the house cannot get below 65 degrees. As I do like to think of myself as a compassionate mother, I did agree. However, I have resorted to drastic measures. In an effort to maintain my compassionate status while not expiring from heat stroke, I have closed AND blocked all of the heating vents in our room.

Most mornings, Thomas and I talked about our upcoming days over life changing coffee. As with many other couples, we tend to have the same conversation over and over…

The first topic we routinely discuss is Why Do We Have The Window Open When It Is Winter And The Heat Is On? As for the heat, I helpfully remind him that having the heat on is his bidding; I would be more than happy to turn it off completely. As for the window, I need fresh air. After six and a half years of marriage, I would have thought he knew the answer by now. Without the window at least cracked, I feel claustrophobic. (I realize that this borders on Slightly Crazy; I thank my mother. I am sure she is nodding in agreement when I say this, like it is the most normal thing in the world.)

fresh air

After that discussion, we move on to Why Is The Fan Turned Up To The Supersonic level? It is well documented that I get hot when I sleep. So hot in fact, that I routinely change my clothes as they are soaking wet. (The Night Sweats are not reserved for those magical first two weeks home from the hospital with a newborn at my house.) A fan can lower the temperature in the room by at least five degrees, and since The Heat Is On, I have to utilize all resources at my disposal so as to not spontaneously combust.