The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

I was in the dressing room at the bridal store, and my loosely fitting (when I ordered it) dress was now too tight.  I might have lost my mind.

After a few hours (possibly days), when my breathing returned to normal, I went into total disaster mode.  In my world, total disaster mode is all encompassing and ends up affecting everyone else just as much as me. As much as I try to keep things contained in my own world, it just doesn’t happen. Adjectives like subtly, quiet, and discretion are not things I am known for, and so my personal crisis becomes everyone’s personal crisis.

crisis The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

I take everyone with me…

The bottom line was that I had ordered a beautiful, perfect dress and I had to wear it in eight weeks, when I-got-married-when-everyone-would-be-staring-at-me-and-I-would-have-the-pictures-forever-so I-Had-To-Look-Perfect.  I knew I had very limited time. The terrible trainers listened to my sob story, denied any accountability (shocker), and determined that drastic times called for drastic measures. They put me on a very strict diet.  Prisoners in second world countries ate better than I did. 

prisoner The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

 Here is what was on the menu:

Egg whites

Chicken

Olive Oil

Barley

Broccoli

That’s it.  I was allowed seasonings if they were salt free. I was not even allowed Diet Coke.  You know how everyone who has quit Diet Coke says they don’t miss it? They are lying. Three weeks of no Diet Coke made me even more of a believer. That shit is God’s nectar. 

This diet was a nightmare. A Tim Burton full length unedited nightmare. 

tim burton The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

My LIfe On The Diet

For starters, I have a rather delicate stomach, and three cups of broccoli a day did not do me any favors.  Nor anyone else within fifteen feet of me.  While on the topic of smells, do you know how badly re-warmed broccoli smells? Close your eyes and picture the cafeteria of your elementary school on broccoli casserole day (and try not to lose your lunch). Wait for it… yup, that’s the one. That raunchy smell that makes your palms sweat and your stomach flip a little bit.  I made the office smell like that twice a day. Everyone who I worked with hated me.

black sheep The Wedding Dress Diet, or How To Make Your Office Hate You

When I Tried to Detox/ Cleanse, or The Worst Idea I Have Ever Had

Now, I have a finicky stomach.  Sometimes (all the time), certain foods can make me bloated and rather, um, musical.  Thomas was (and still is) aware of this, so when I came home armed with stomach and colon detox pills, he not only turned white, he was rendered momentarily mute. When he was able to speak again, he wanted to be on the record as saying, “This Is The Worst Idea You Have Ever Had”. Whatever, I was a bride on a mission. 

crazy bride When I Tried to Detox/ Cleanse, or The Worst Idea I Have Ever Had

 He perked up when he realized that he would be working for the next week and a half, so he would spared the detox and everything that came with it.  Sadly for him, it was a two week detox.  We had a trip planned to my parents, who live out of state. So, the last several days of the cleanse we would be in a small, confined space for multiple hours at a time because we were going on a road trip. I never experienced the full effect of the cleanse because I was forbidden from finishing it.  Thomas threatened to wear a gas mask. At that point, I realized that it just wasn’t worth the embarrassment; if he was wearing the gas mask, clearly he wasn’t the source…

dog car When I Tried to Detox/ Cleanse, or The Worst Idea I Have Ever Had

This is how Thomas would have had to ride…

 While it feels good to point out why such diets are stupid, the truth is that weight and dieting are very personal, and very emotional issues. As the mother of a daughter, I feel I have a responsibility to model responsible choices. OK, preachy, adult moment over. (Hey, I heard that sigh of relief!)  That being said, I have had my own ups and downs with different diets. The diets that failed were not so much my fault as a direct result of family and friends intervening. Some worked, and one almost caused my husband to call off our wedding…

 emma july 20121 When I Tried to Detox/ Cleanse, or The Worst Idea I Have Ever Had