Sometimes Revenge Looks Like Flats

There are many things that one learns about pregnancy after the fact. I am sure I am not the only one who swore up and down during my last trimester  that if “I knew what I know now back then, things would be VERY VERY DIFFERENT AT THIS MOMENT.” As loyal readers know, the single best thing about pregnancy (other than the baby, duh) is that it is the greatest equalizer ever. Even Kim Kardashian gets the puffy ankles

I knew about swollen ankles. At least, I thought I did. I remember watching my ankles swell after finishing a (super grab) bag of Rold Gold pretzels. If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn I was watching something over time lapse photography. The swelling was quick, and it was epic. It was also extremely sad as I could eat three meals a day consisting solely of  pretzels. (Salt is totally a food group.)

Thankfully, I got the memo…  She didn’t.

She claimed flats were uncomfortable. She tried to beat the system.

She lost. In related news, the gossip rags keep pitting Kim against Princess Kate, which makes me so sad because as much I love all things K, Kim doesn’t stand a chance…

 

 

Six On Sunday, Version 36

1. Indiana Basketball. So over it.

2. Cadbury Creme Eggs. YUMMO. Old school, I know, but still my favorite.

3. Easter Candy. I swear, Easter is the new Halloween. I think Emma received more candy today than she did on Halloween. I am all for a few jelly beans and some Robin’s eggs (a close second to the Cadbury egg), but the situation has gotten out of control. Perhaps the dentists are receiving kickbacks?

4. Broken iPhone. Nothing screams WHITE TRASH like a cracked iPhone screen. I dropped my phone on Thursday… When it landed, it made a noise that was different from any other time that I dropped it. I debated on not picking it up, but ultimately decided that wasn’t a good solution either. For $90, I can get the screen replaced. For $169, I can use my insurance. For $200 (plus a $30 upgrade fee WTF is that all about?!), I can upgrade to the iPhone 5. I’m probably gonna go 5…

5. Pinterest. It’s starting to happen- Pinterest is starting to control my life. I have tried so hard to avoid her siren song, but I fear she has her clutches in me! This is what I have spent my entire afternoon attempting to create:

eaa7ef50d0fab1aa0937b93acdd5479d Six On Sunday, Version 36

 

so far all I can say is “Work In Progress”.

6. Monograms.

southern monogram Six On Sunday, Version 36

I have monogrammed almost every single article of clothing that Emma will wear this summer. She wears a uniform to school (best thing that has ever happened to me- other than me wearing a uniform for the first twelve years of my scholastic career) and loves it. Sadly, uniforms are not worn during the summer. While I am dreading the inevtiable fights over wardrobe choices, I am thrilled to have satisfied my monogram fix!

emma easter Six On Sunday, Version 36

Note both the enormous basket and the monogram.

Six On Sunday (The OMG it’s Tuesday Version)

1. Grandma & Poppa. My parents came to visit. I always enjoy seeing them, and I am truly blessed in that I am actually not only friends with, but I enjoy spending time with them. (Except when I get Directions And Insights On Living My Life, but I figure that is sort of part of the package!) Emma has a wonderful time playing with Grandma… Also, after they leave I find myself desperately wishing for a nanny…

2. Indiana Basketball. As March Madness approaches, I am gearing myself up to jump on the fan bandwagon. To be fair, I am an actual alumna of the school so I get some credit for that! My senior year the Hooisers went all the way to the final game… and biffed to Maryland. To this day, I hate turtles.  My grandfather, who was an almost life long resident of DC called after the game to ‘talk trash’. I was horrified- I never even saw my grandfather without a tie on (unless on the golf course), and here he was, debasing my team! I wish IU all the luck in the world, and I will be watching (once we get through the beginning of the tourney and things get interesting, anyway).

3. New Pants. I lost a little bit of weight (it’s amazing what happens when one stops eating Goldfish Gram Crackers by the entire carton) and now need new pants.  I have actually needed them for a while, but I wanted to wait to make sure my current size wasn’t a weird fluke. In good news, it’s not. In not so good news, I actually have to shop now. Shopping, unless for jewelry or purses, just isn’t fun. Nothing ever seems to fit the way I want, and everything is so expensive! It took me YEARS to buy new underwear, and no one but me sees it! Anyone have any good ideas for not stupid looking pants? Please share!

4. Chuck E Cheese. I had to go. I have avoided this place like the plague for my entire life. Growing up, it was called Showbiz Pizza (Where A Kid Can Be A Kid!) and my mom thought it was totally creepy and did not allow us to go. As an adult, it should be self explanatory why I did not patronize them… Emma was invited to a birthday party, and because I am nicer than my mom (not really, it just sounded good!), we went. And I think I have succesfully checked something off the bucket list. I’m sending Thomas for all future CEC playdates.

 

5. Patch Testing. I have not been able to wear eye makeup for over a year now. Last Christmas, at the direction of my eyebrow threader, I tried castor oil on my eyebrows in the hopes it would make them grow in faster and thicker. Something in the castor oil make my eyes VERY ANGRY, and a result, I have had horrible allergic reactions to everything- from eyecream to make up. After trying everything short of the three day patch test, I finally resigned myself and went and had the patches applied yesterday. Come on Thursday!

6. Tuesday. Good grief it’s Tuesday as I write this. How did life get so busy?!

Although Big, A Diaper Bag Isn’t A Cool Big Purse

I love purses, both big and small. Purses are like shoes- you always feel good buying them. Purses do not make one feel fat or thin, they just make one feel great!

After Emma was born, I “upgraded” to the obligatory diaper bag. Like a purse, this bag went everywhere with us. The diaper bag also made a statement- sadly, the statement was less “fabulous and prepared for anything” (big purse) and “sexy and carefree” (small purse).The statement was more “here I come with a screaming, needy infant”.

Emma screaming Although Big, A Diaper Bag Isnt A Cool Big Purse

No wonder no one wanted to sit next to us on airplanes…

No matter how well I thought I stocked that bag, I was always missing something. There were a few things I always had on hand, though- other than the diapers… the wine opener, and travel size bottles of vodka. In the three and a half years of carrying that diaper bag through airports, I have never ever been stopped for the adult items. Her bottles, sippy cups, and stuffed animals have been scanned, searched, and patted down to assure TSA that my child is not, in fact, a terrorist. The only reason I can come up with is that the TSA agents are parents as well, and they understand that air travel with a small child can bring out the terrorist in all of us, and they were actually preventing any incident by allowing me to self medicate (also, maybe they too are sick of the inflated airport prices for a drink).

For Christmas, my darling, wonderful husband gave me a new purse. (It’s amazing how good he is at picking out gifts clicking the link I emailed him!) This new purse is smaller, and a little sassy, if I do say so myself.

kate spade purse Although Big, A Diaper Bag Isnt A Cool Big Purse

Kate Spade Knightsbridge Elena
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The best and worst thing about this purse is its size. It accommodates all of my things easily; and it is easy to find things- no more black holes! It is not big enough for iPads and water bottles though… My chiropractor is thrilled- no more stabbing pains on the left side of my body! (I think he is also a little disappointed as I was a large revenue source!) I am going on a trip in the next couple of weeks, and as much as I love my new shiny purse, I don’t think it will make the trip. Too small.

Big Or Little?

Big or little? The answer is almost always BIG. Bigger is better- look at Texas: they have made Going Big a way of life! Also, diamonds come to mind when discussing the merits of big vs. small. Now, a few things are better small: butts (for the white girls anyway!), debt, and areas needing to be cleaned.

Generally, I always go for Big. Go big, or go home has been a personal declaration for me.

Big or little was never question for me when it came to purses- BOTH! Hey- like shoes, a girl can never have enough handbags!

I love the functionality of a large purse. Also, with more real estate, there is more of the bag to be seen, and therefore, more chances others will see the awesomeness of the bag.

I love the mystic of small bags. There is something undeniably sexy about only needing a credit card, an ID, and lipstick for an evening out.

My sister, who is all things fabulous (that’s what a well paying job, no mortgage, no kids, and a great sense of style will get you) came to visit and brought with her the most amazing bag EVER. (Disclaimer: the most amazing bag that does not require one to sell a kidney.) I HAD to have this bag. Thankfully, she agreed to buy one for me and send it. In return, I agreed to let her have hers back.

lamb williamsfield printed tote Big Or Little?

Love! Thanks Jen!
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This bag was GREAT; I could fit EVERYTHING into it. Laptop and iPad? Yup. Bottle of water, gum, mints, and Diet Coke? Yes. Thirty six assorted lipsticks and glosses (am I the only one whose purse is a black hole for lip care products?) plus eyelash curler and all purpose lip/cheek/eye shimmer? You betcha. While on a trip to Chicago, I had (at any given time) water, a bottle of wine, the camera + carrying case, and a tour book… not to mention the standard purse things like sunglasses, wallet, and iPhone. My husband claimed he didn’t like the bag, I suspect it had more to do with the amount of time he spent carrying it because it was too heavy for me than the actual design. I think that men are secretly jealous of the capacity of a purse- while men’s pockets are bigger than women’s, pockets do have their limitations. Exhibit A: the man bag…

Bonnie Bunny…Both my Salvation and my Destruction

My daughter Emma had a one of a kind ‘lovey’ (security item), Puppy. In most aspects of life, I encourage Emma to seek out the unique, and to find her path.  Case in point? Emma wears tutus all the time, except for school and only because of the uniform.  She even sleeps in tutus! New parents, pay attention as I am about to share a commandment of parenting: Always Have Back Up, from extra diapers and onesies to loveys. We, sadly, made a rookie mistake and did not have a back up Puppy and were forced to say goodbye forever about six months ago, when Puppy Got Lost.

tutu2 Bonnie Bunny...Both my Salvation and my Destruction

Thankfully, after an appropriate mourning period, Emma found a new friend. Bonnie Bunny entered our lives, and filled Emma’s heart, and promoted non-stop thumb sucking.

It seems like Emma’s favorite game is ‘Where In The World Is Bonnie Bunny?’ This game is best played when we are late- especially for bedtime.

Now, loyal readers know that my mom neatly solved my security blanket issues by THROWING AWAY MY BLANKIE, OLD FAITHFUL. One would think that I would remember this trauma, and that I would be more understanding when my daughter loses her ‘lovey’. Oh, how very wrong you are!

Losing Bonnie Bunny causes me to lose my mind. The loss of Bonnie Bunny causes the intense kind of stand offs usually seen in the Middle East: Emma wandering around the house, crying for the lost lovey while I am STOMPING around, opening every single drawer in our house for the fifth time in the desperate hopes that Bonnie will be there. She never is.

Bonnie is still with us, and these days she is much easier to find because she now lives exclusively in Emma’s bedroom. Emma is staying true to form and trying to do all the things I did as a child, which causes some concern about the prospect of large orthodontic bills. I think my teeth alone funded at least two college educations (and not one of them was mine). While Bonnie’s new restrictions are sad, they are better than the alternative of THROWING AWAY THE LOVEY.

I look forward to a day when Bonnie Bunny is loved, but not in the world revolving around her way that she is now. And, I promise to keep her for prosperity.

(My mom really is a wonderful mother, and I try every day to be half the mother she is. Even though she tossed Old Faithful.)

 

Six On Sunday, Version 29

1. The Bachelor.  Seriously, how have I missed this sh*t storm of Girls Behaving Meanly?  Also, having one arm is kind of the new black- I mean, that chick can get away with ANYTHING!

2. Champagne and Petit Fours. I’m happy to report STILL the best meal of all time. Hands down.

3. Bedroom TV. We have not had a TV in our bedroom since we got married. I read somewhere that having a TV-less bedroom is a good idea because it reserves the bedroom for bedroom activities (assorted). Six and a half years in, and I still do not sleep very well, and we got the deal of a life time when our neighbors upgraded their 42 inch for a 50 inch at Christmas. I do not foresee this television getting a lot of use, as I always read before going to sleep at night and leisurely mornings are a distant memory… (I almost think they were never real; that waking up without an alarm and not having to do anything right away is a fairy tale.) However, if stars ever align themselves I will be ready.

4. Birthday Parties. Emma attended an at home daycare (Hi Ms Sherri!) for the first three years of her life, with the same four other kids. The only birthday parties we attended were hers, and those parties were a more Mommy and Daddy’s speed than Emma’s. She is now in a traditional daycare/school with twenty other kids in her class. Twenty birthday parties a year. We went to one on Friday, and we have another this afternoon (rumor had it that there was a third party Saturday, but we did not make the cut for that one, for which I’m eternally grateful.)

5. MLK Holiday. While I do not have the day off tomorrow, schools are out and that means traffic should be a breeze (that sound you are hearing is me, knocking on wood).

6. My Engagement Ring. I loved it when I received it (true story: instead of saying “yes”, I said “Shut Up You Got The Ring!”) and I love it to this day. My wedding bands are at the jewelers having diamonds replaced (each one conveniently lost a stone at the same time), so I am wearing only my engagement ring, and it has been a lot of fun admiring it sparkle all by itself.

engagement ring Six On Sunday, Version 29

Not In My Gravy!

After experiencing both ‘Northern’ and ‘Southern’ Thanksgiving, I can honestly say that both have their standout dishes. Pumpkin pie and stuffing are the super stars of the North. The South has introduced me to delicious dishes like homemade Mac and Cheese (especially my mother-in-law’s).

Some things I thought would be universal- the figurative olive branch between the North and the South.

olive branch graphic Not In My Gravy!

Peace, Love, and Gravy
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I was wrong.

Very, Very wrong.

Almost a decade in, and I still cannot get over their “gravy”. To me, gravy is a smooth, brown liquid. Real gravy is difficult to make, as it requires making a roux first. My gravy is the powdered kind from the packet (sorry Dad), but it is smooth and brown.  Thomas’s family gravy is unlike anything I have ever seen…. Firstly, it had random chunks of turkey (?) meat, bones, and fat floating in it. Also, there were HUNKS OF HARD BOILED EGGES FLOATING IN THIS SO CALLED GRAVY.

I KNOW.

My first reaction was to frantically whisper to Thomas that someone forgot to strain the gravy and that it needed to be done right away before anyone else noticed. He threw me an odd look and said the gravy looked just fine to him. Clearly, he had not seen the EGGS floating in it. I urgently whispered to him again that the gravy must have been rushed to the table, sans straining, because there was egg in it.  This earned me another odd look and an explanation: The gravy was SUPPOSED to have all that stuff in it.

WTH?! I took a moment to collect myself. I could not believe something as sacred as the gravy had been tainted. I had had suspicions going in; I knew I probably wouldn’t find stuffing or crunchy green beans. I was even willing to try sweet potato pie (for the record, huge disappointment as pumpkin is way better). But the gravy?! A girl has her standards, people.

In good news, Thanksgiving itself was very nice.  I am lucky enough to have married into a family that is gentle, loving, and sincere. Even if they cannot make decent gravy.

This year, we started our own tradition.  The “Thanksgiving Fairy” came to visit our house, and brought Emma a new dress and matching shoes. (In related news, she keeps asking me if the Thanksgiving fairy can come again TODAY to visit her.) Emma, Thomas and I toasted our good fortunes with champagne, and then ate dinner in the dining room using the china, silver, and crystal. We had stuffing and pumpkin pie, and the gravy was smooth and brown.

We enjoyed ourselves immensely, and genuinely hope you did too.

thanksgiving 2012 Not In My Gravy!
thanksgiving 2012 tongue Not In My Gravy!

Six On (Just Missed It) Sunday, Version 26

1. Only Child. As much as I love my sisters, I have always wondered what life would be like as an only child.  This weekend, my parents came to visit us. Thomas spent the weekend in Boca (insert in-law joke here), so I had my parents all to myself. We had a wonderful time, and in small doses, being an only child seems like a good gig… however, there is no one to run interference and/or distract them… this would have been problematic in high school…

sisters Six On (Just Missed It) Sunday, Version 26

Laura, Julia, Jen

2.Coats. Here in Atlanta, most people do not need a coat. I am freezing cold unless it is eighty degrees outside, so I don’t count. I grew up in St. Louis, where one definitely needs a coat. And snow boats. Every time we left the house, my parents grabbed their coats… and then roasted. Isn’t it funny how a ‘good’ habit can turn into a ‘bad’ habit so quickly? Also, they looked pretty silly in coats because it was almost seventy degrees!

3. Shorts. My husband wears them year round. Regardless of weather conditions… Not only does he look a little silly in January, I have a tough time explaining why Daddy can wear shorts and Emma cannot.  We actually just had this discussion again five minutes ago.

4.  Bubble Necklace. I want one! I found two… which one?! Please vote!

red bubble necklace Six On (Just Missed It) Sunday, Version 26

navy bubble necklace Six On (Just Missed It) Sunday, Version 26

5. Another Necklace. Too much? I love it… but I have been wrong before…

 Six On (Just Missed It) Sunday, Version 26

6. Midnight In The Garden Of Good and Evil.  We toured the home last time we were in Savannah, and I am so looking forward to reading the book! I am about seven pages in, and am feeling very smug enjoying it more because I have been to many of the places referenced in the book.

“Non Clothes” Are The Worst

While my clothes are in storage, they not only remain Old Navy (instead of magically becoming Banana Republic), they transform themselves into “non clothes”.

“Non clothes” are the clothes that hang around your closet and take up space. Non clothes are the clothes that are too nice to give away for whatever reason.

shiny leggings Non Clothes Are The Worst

Non Clothes
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Popular Justifications for Non Clothes

  • ·         I got it on sale.
  • ·         I have never worn it.
  • ·         It’s a cute color.
  • ·         It’s a great material (silk, cashmere).
  • ·         I want to wear more (colors, v-necks, stripes, heels, turtlenecks, skinny jeans).
  • ·         My friends assure me it’s cute (KISS OF DEATH. YOUR FRIENDS ARE BEING NICE. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.).

Non clothes are the Guilt of Clothes.  Like most guilt (not the bad guilt, like I Killed My Mother Guilt; more like I Ate Too Much Ice Cream Guilt), it should be ignored. If you haven’t worn it in a year, toss it. You will never wear it! (Besides, it’s not cute anyway. That’s why you never wore it!)
Each year, I am happy to report I am stricter in my designation of Non Clothes. When we first moved into our house, I had six bins full of clothes and non clothes. Now, I am down to two! Occasionally, this plan backfires… like this morning when I could not find anything to wear and stood in front of my closet, banging my head against the door jam, asking myself WHY WHY WHY did I get rid of all those sweaters? (The upside to the Non Clothes Purge is the shopping trip as it is really easy to justify! You do not have any clothes!)

When the clothes are finished, I start on my shoes. This is very depressing, as every year my footwear gets lower to the ground and decidedly less sexy.  This “mom-a-fying” of my footwear does not deter Emma; she has to try on every single pair and march up and down the hallway. Not only does this delay the completion of the project, it hurts my ears!

emma mommy shoes Non Clothes Are The Worst
After I have sorted, hung, folded, organized, and stored all the clothes, I get to go back up into the Scary Place. Dragging the bins up the folding ladder is slightly less annoying than hauling them down.  On the way up, they do not fall on my head! So there’s that… And the fact that I have at least six months before I have to do it all over again. Now, I am off to pray that we do not have an Indian Summer, because I am not going through that again. Sweaters aren’t that hot, right?